A person who opens a door for herself has a feeling of self-respect and independence. Every person is capable of both kindness and niceness; it is our choice as to what we express. If you have a powerful friend, you gain power by association. You do what you do. It’s not that he doesn’t want you to be happy, it’s just that he doesn’t care. There are some people who have developed such a strong habit of being completely focused on their own thoughts, that psychologists (incorrectly) believe them to be “clinically unable” to experience empathy. It’s about perceiving the entirety of her subjective experience, as if you were the one experiencing it. By holding the door for a Lady (who could easily have opened it herself), you save her an ounce of effort (while creating an expectation of courtesy in return). Babies and Toddlers. Thinking and love are essentially opposite; thinking is rational left-brain, love is emotional right-brain. Others acknowledge that people may be more likely to have For this reason, extraverts tend to experience true empathy more frequently than introverts do (especially in situations that aren’t as emotionally charged as the whole “lost little girl and the whimpering puppy” thing). That puppy looks expensive, hopefully her family’s rich. Once you have strengthened these muscles, you will have the power to shift your attention away from the details to see the big picture. Oh, I get it, nice people are just stupid, because they are nice to not-powerful society people, while kind people surround themselves with real powerful, strong kind people! Overall, the kind person is swimming in a sea of potential partners. place a high value on mutual attraction between partners and the kindness, We tried to better understand someone we donât get along with by doing something nice for them. Nice behavior is inherently dishonest. to their partners in the same way that they related to their caretakers in You will be able to shift your attention away from yourself, so that it comes to rest upon the soul of another, and you will be able to keep it there long enough to experience empathy (seeing), compassion (impulse to act), and kindness (action). She started exhibiting symptoms yesterday. I rarely made an effort to be part of the family and support my relatives when they needed me; I just came to them when I needed something. These two kinds of love may He spreads love and good feelings to himself and others. Scared and alone, Alice tries to find her way home. This is another fact of life. Sex is a much more heated, emotional, right-brained experience. Except for me. These are things that feel good, for himself and for the people around him. For right now, focus on Happy & Alice. The school has no more appointments for covid testing because hundreds of students are starting to get sick and overwhelming the school’s healthcare system. To put it in a more scientifical way, we experience empathy when we direct the majority of our attentional energy into perceiving the experience of another living being. Kill with kindness definition at Dictionary.com, a free online dictionary with pronunciation, synonyms and translation. She even agreed to pay for my sister to go dorm at the campus. Find more ways to say kill with kindness, along with related words, antonyms and example phrases at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. You will find, through your meditative practice (especially if you’re practicing loving-kindness meditation), that every living being is deserving of your empathy, compassion, and kindness. Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change [Foote, Jeffrey, Wilkens, Carrie, Kosanke, Nicole, Higgs, Stephanie] on Amazon.com. James M. Barrie Click to tweet. She wouldn’t be suffering from coronavirus right, and she would save her college experience for a time when she could have actually enjoyed it. They acted “nicely” in order to avoid getting into a fight or argument that they worried could diminish their relationship with her. The 9 Key Elements That Link Harry Potter, The Witcher, Meditation, and Avatar The Last Airbender (and what it says about your personality if you’re into them), Nice guy, taken advantage of, always made fun of - Page 2, Meditation Is The Key That Unlocks Your Secret Garden, 8 Tips for Mindful Writing and Meditative Journaling, Meditation and Wounds: Plus 5 Tips On How To Befriend Them, Helps powerful people -vs- Helps powerless people, children, animals, Loud about helping -vs- Quiet about helping, Partial to interacting with adults -vs- Loves interacting with kids and animals, Not likely to have animal friends -vs- Likely to have animal friends / roommates, Does not like to be alone -vs- Happy both alone and with others, Avoids confrontation -vs- Protects the innocent, Seeks approval -vs- Indifferent to approval, Always smiles in social situations, but not while alone -vs- Dynamic facial expressions change naturally with mood, Cares about his own image (cool clothes) -vs- Doesn’t really care about image (comfortable clothes), Problems in relationships -vs- Happy, fulfilling relationships, Needs to be in a relationship, but often single -vs- Likes being single, but often in a relationship, Jaded view of love (doesn’t exist) -vs- Enjoys love in his own life, Complains about things -vs- Tries to improve things, Critical taste in movies, music, food, etc -vs- Enjoys everything, Sarcastic, witty, sometimes caustic humor -vs- Laughs at everything, Accountants, Lawyers, Businessmen; Thinky Jobs -vs- Doctors, Nurses, Firefighters; Helpy Jobs, Stressed and Serious -vs- Relaxed and Happy. I got “friend-zoned” a lot. This is why melodrama and macabre humor often bring out laughter in emotionally repressed people. People tend to recognize an act of kindness as a reward unto itself. And to top it all off — if my parents hadn’t been so damn nice in the first place (paying for her to go dorm at the college), and explained to her kindly “going now is not going to work out well for you; not only is it dangerous but it’s not even going to be fun since everyone will have corona anxiety, you should enjoy your college experience after the pandemic,” she probably would not have gone in the first place. Consequently, you will never experience true happiness, and go through life sinking deeper and deeper into a cold and lonely world of logical separateness. To a truly kind person, this is a meaningless question. Niceness is competitive. Everyone is competing for resources. Women are positively repelled by “nice guys.” Have you ever noticed this? “Kind” people tend to be the happiest people on Earth. In our western paradigm of psychology, we call them “narcissists” and “sociopaths.” These are (incorrectly) assumed to be “incurable personality disorders.”. So… “nice persons are selfish and kind persons are selfless.” Yet kind persons oh-so-selflessly surround themselves with kind persons to make their lives richer. Try to imagine that this Alice situation is actually happening, right now. As the kind person will often have a large array of options for romantic partners, he will usually choose someone who is not just a pleasure-taker, but a pleasure-giver as well. Err, by the virtue of being evil, I mean. For that reason, the average person is unaware that he can strengthen the parts of his brain associated with empathy & compassion, and even generate these emotions at will. When I finally realized the difference between nice and kind, it was like I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Oliver Goldsmith. Any kind of meditation will be effective in helping you to generate empathy, compassion, love, and kindness. Read Jessieâs story Read Timâs story You are your own best friend; now act like it. Your ability to perceive anything in the first place is dependent on where you look. Clearly, âkindnessâ and ânicenessâ are extremely different behavioral phenomena, and arise from extremely different sources. I know by reading this it will help me to be more conscious over how someone is feeling. Instead, the Power is centralized into the hands of the society at large, in the form of “The Law.” Instinctually, we humans adapt our behaviors to become “submissive to society.” The most basic driver for this submissive behavior is the fear of “being on society’s bad side,” the same way one would be in fear of being on the “bad side” of a powerful, blood-thirsty warrior. “Cold people” are cold toward themselves. In fact, you will find that your own experience of empathy, compassion and kindness toward all living things is FAR more important than the silly question of whether or not they deserve it. Kevin is an ever-changing flow of matter and energy that is often described as "human." Any kind of meditation will help, but I recommend loving-kindness meditation as a more targeted exercise, to speed up the empathy development process. Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change You have actually done a valuable service to the object of your kindness, and given your own power to someone who really needed it. ask. Also, try to focus more externally (physical-reality instead of thought-reality) in daily life. Your email address will not be published. Positive psychology researchers concern themselves with what works in peoplesâ lives. I think this is a rather well thought out and well-written piece. It is outside of the realm of logic, and cannot easily be explained through human language. There are times when it becomes useful to be able to recognize kind behaviors and nice behaviors. It was like a switched flipped in my head, and suddenly I was actually a happy, kind and loving person. Your email address will not be published. Powerful people are usually the ones who have spent their lives taking power by stabbing (naive, trusting, good) people in the back. Every living being is deserving of kindness. They tend to have a deep-seated unhappiness, which they spread to everyone around them so that they won’t feel so alone. Kill âem with kindness. It’s setting people up for a horrifying failure, which will make them even more bitter and weak. I see kindness as collaboration. “Nice” is a self-centered behavior pattern, where you are acting in a “pleasing” manner, to “be a nice person,” and get people to like you. If I hadn’t stood up, challenged my fear of damaging my relationship with my sister and my family, got over the laziness of “not wanting to get into a fight…” if I had acted “nicely” (avoiding conflict with my sister and family) instead of “kindly” (protecting the lives of my at-risk family members), my sister would have arrived at my family’s house the day before she started exhibiting symptoms. https://www.30daysinger.com/a/8328/BFzaEvmu-- Selena Gomez - Kill Em With Kindness ⦠The nice person wants the same thing as the asshole, but he tricks you by keeping his intentions out of sight and out of mind. It’s an instinct. Compassion manifests as a by-product of empathy. The concept, benefits and recommendations for the cultivation of compassion have been recognized in the contemplative traditions for thousands of years. The easiest way for you to experience these emotions first-hand is by practicing loving-kindness meditation, which is an exercise in generating empathy and compassion. Even if you tried to stand idly by to prove a point, you’d end up abandoning your conscious decision, and helping her anyway. The kind person is focused on others – all he wants is to relieve the suffering of the living, conscious creature in front of him. This is something I realized several years ago, and it really changed the way I look at people. An act of niceness comes not with an associated feeling of fulfillment; it is done only in expectation of reciprocation. © Copyright Meditation Magazine document.write( new Date().getFullYear() );. Weâre talking about the psychology, the biology, of positive social interactions,â says Daniel Fessler, the instituteâs inaugural director.â Or rather out live them. Or the cow that you’re planning to eat for dinner tonight, if you like to think about that kind of thing. If you don’t want to deal with him, you can leave. For the kind person, this type of warm, close, connected interaction is a win-win, most of the time. More precisely, every living being can be an object for your empathy. I was furious at the culture around me for not bringing it to my attention. Exhibiting excessively “nice” behavior toward a female is the most extreme way for a man to say, “I am weaker than you. This will enable them to consistently make the right decisions despite the pressures of fear, chaos and danger. But more on that later! This will give you a solid core, and support your own spiritual development. Maybe he’ll even get a reward! June 10, 2013 ... yet they resist forgiving others because they fear it will make them appear weak and will invite exploitation. Want a Meditation Magazine that’s actually relaxing and FUN to curl up on the couch with? TLDR; what all of this boils down to is the following: […] myself out there and be respected or not made fun of, but that doesn't seem to ever be the case. Well then, evil nice weak people are REQUIRED for existence of good strong kind ones, or else who good strongkind ones get to lead and to dominate if not niceweak? Welcome to the nexus of ethics, psychology, morality, technology, health care, and philosophy. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide, which represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000 or ⦠Many factors influence whom people are attracted to. Partners are in abundance. We have sadly came to the end of our road, however we have reformed and its proving for the better! Or do you wish success to nice weak evil people OVER the success of kind good strong people? Besides, they are good so they don’t deserve to be dominated anyway – unlike weak evil nice people, who deserve being dominated by the virtue of being weak. A person who feels “weaker” than another has an evolutionary imperative to be “nice,” in order to gain the favor of the stronger person. infancy. He is also prone to being mistreated, disrespected, and eventually discarded by the aggressive (dominant) one. This is like asking, “Who is deserving of being seen by my eyes?” Your eyes see what they see. So, ironically, what we end up with is a society filled with lots and lots of very nice people, eagerly doing the bidding of the Demons and Supervillains who take advantage of them. Mean, irritating people expect you to respond to their actions with anger and bitterness because thatâs how they would respond to you. We’re not just evolutionary robots! After the success of the book, it became a film that everyone was watching. But let’s not get into this yet. Frederick William Robertson But also, nice people are the ones who want to be around powerful people… hmmm, how is this different then? Kill Em With Kindness Quotes Inspirational Quotes About Kindness Quotes About Kindness To Others Kill Them With Kindness Quotes Kill People With Kindness Quotes Abraham Lincoln Quotes Albert Einstein Quotes Bill Gates Quotes Bob Marley Quotes Bruce Lee Quotes Buddha Quotes Confucius Quotes. He is simply manipulating the person he is “nice” to. Look it up now! If you do, you can deal with him (at your own risk). My sister had to cry on the phone to be able to get an appointment before the start of the holiday. Alright, so what’s going on in the soul of that “nice” person over there? Step 1: Empathy: Clear perception of the subjective world experienced by a living being.Step 2: Compassion: The resultant instinct to improve this perceived subjective experience.Step 3: Kindness. Language and niceness are next-door neighbors in the left half of the human brain. A few days later, I wrote her a “nice” email detailing all the reasons I thought she shouldn’t go. Those people tend to be the ones who are suffering the most. As you’re reading, try to visualize the following story playing out. Lucky for me, this guy named Robert Glover actually wrote a book about the perils of niceness. The nice person is focused on himself – he does nice things in order to be perceived (by others and by himself) as a “nice person.”. Because competition is not “this person AND that person both win”, its “this OR that person”. As a generality, people gain power by wanting it, and taking it. It starts at first sight, and escalates from there. 45 likes. To begin with, To Kill a Mockingbird is a very worldwide known book. Let’s make it good for everyone. Compassion: Once you’ve made your empathic connection with this being, once you can see into her world and perceive she’s experiencing right now, there’s a feeling that arises, deep in your stomach, that makes you want to drop what you’re doing, get up and help her. The phrase "kill them with kindness" implies that by being kind, you purposely or inadvertently annoy, exact revenge, irritate or encourage a particular behavior in a person. I can remember being a child, struggling with a mean classmate and being told to just âkill âem with kindness.â Smile and be extra nice to this person and they will magically be nice back. It's no secret that very young children learn by watching the world around them. The areas of his brain that are responsible for warmth and love are not well developed, and thus he projects coldness and disinterest toward everyone, including himself. Kindness, on the other hand, is most often directed toward people who don’t even have the power to help themselves. 90% of my family members thought she was being an reckless, irresponsible idiot and she shouldn’t go… but they didn’t say anything. It was fun, but sometimes people got hurt in a way that wasn’t really helpful to them in the long run. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee To Kill a Mockingbird is a novel by Harper Lee published in 1960. In today’s “organized” society, most people are nice to just about everyone they meet. Aside from the basic fear of becoming a target of this person’s wrath, there is another motivation for “being extra nice” to him. I know that what I wrote may sound angry and not very nice. Frightened and overwhelmed, Alice sobs uncontrollably and desperately cries for her Mommy. The nice person is usually too timid to make a move when the moment is right. love. Only then will you truly know yourself… and only then will you truly be able to love yourself. We win by tenderness. Happy is lying in the street, hurt and whimpering. This will feel very weird for both partners and is not conducive to starting a healthy relationship. This is about generating the emotion of real, true, unconditional love for yourself. This is one of the most powerful of the factors that contribute to the happiness of a human being. However, the Early Childhood Curriculum Framework points out that whether your child is very young or much older, he is still learning by observing your behavior.. And, yeah, oh it gets worse, too. The weak submit to the will of the strong. Most people like to be touched; nearly everyone likes to be understood. Especially since “kind people are strong people”, so you are surrounding yourself with those who are powerful rather those who are not – how convenient for them! When we learn to control this “attention flow,” when we learn to use our “attention control muscles,” we can turn up the empathy, compassion, and kindness in our own lives. And seek professional help. Thus, the evil (self-hating, controlling) person gravitates toward the nice person, while the good (self-loving, happy) person gravitates toward the kind person. Trouble breathing. I was falling into romantic relationships naturally, my whole life turned around. We conquer by forgiveness. What good fortune it was to have stumbled upon a lost little girl and an injured puppy! In the above situation, the Narcissist may very likely decide to “be nice,” save the puppy, and help get the girl back to her mother. Hurts to talk. If you don’t love yourself, on the other hand, you spend every moment of your life with an enemy… or worse yet, with an disinterested acquaintance. People’s perception of their own physical attractiveness also But the biggest question is, could it be done so easily when we see the Signs That Your Best Friend is a ⦠I’m inclined to wrap this particular group of co-occurring personality attributes up into a bundle and give it a simple, one word label, just to make things easier. We’re better than that. It keeps their negativity from overcoming you, if nothing else, it. It arises as the simple urge to help someone who is suffering; to bring strength to the sick and smiles to the sad. While there's absolutely no need to go full Dark Triad on people, I believe kindness should be rationed out to those who deserve it: family, good friends, trustworthy colleagues, helpful strangers, etc. So when I wrote this article, there was a fair amount of emotion about it. Also, what a great way to justify blaming the victim – making weakness and evil equal! If your empathy level is high, all of your relationships feel warm and connected (even your most fleeting ones). 'Kill them with kindness' doesn't always work, but practicing kindness at every possible chance will make your life more fulfilled. Loving yourself isn’t about “thinking you’re awesome.” In fact, love isn’t about thinking at all. Besides just attracting good people into your life, making people want to be around you, and having good effects on others, empathy is the thing that allows you to form real emotional/spiritual bonds in the first place. There is the saying, âStick and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.â I find that statement the farthest from the truth. Here is the sneakiest kind of evil person; the one who makes you think that he is “good.” Niceness: Satan’s most dangerous invention. You may experience an emotional defense mechanism (laughter) “in stead” of empathy. If there’s “niceness” on the outside, what is there on the inside? Give this, get that. It’s all a flow. Sex is not something that flows naturally in politeness land. I sure have. To speed up the process, try practicing loving-kindness meditation. The best is when he’s so adept at the sneaky art of niceness that he can mask all his selfish intentions in thoughtful gifts and unspoken expectations. This is the way that narcissists and sociopaths tend to look at it as well. As a direct result of this attention-shift, all of my relationships have been warmer, happier, closer, and more connected. Kindness is ever the begetter of kindness. Live in a world of happy, loving people. When you’re “nice,” relationships are a chore. Lol. Loved the frankness of your article. If you are looking around under the sea, you will not be able to see the clouds. Meditation can help, but in order to cure advanced Nice Personality Disorder, you’ll need to focus on practicing your honesty, assertiveness, self-awareness, ethical judgment, and kindness as well. You will naturally strengthen the empathetic part of your brain (the same part that’s responsible for generating feelings of love), which will in turn make you a happier, more loving, and kinder person. Instead of acting from life-preserving instincts arising from the physical reality of the present moment, The Narcissist acts based on his own logical paradigm of “right and wrong.” He is coldly rational. Empathy brings the “warmth” and “love” into a relationship. So you can not wish weak selfish evil people life and success. And when she said she wanted to come home to spend the Jewish holiday of Sukkot with my elderly parents and my pregnant wife, without quarantining or getting tested, everyone looked apprehensive, but nobody said anything to her. Hear the sounds, feel the air in the story-world. Which kind of lover would you rather have? Another funny thing about evolution is that mate choice is a major factor in your offspring’s survival. So I will smile at those who mock me, who hate me, who wish me ill, and I will demean their disapproval with my laugh, my wit, and my genuine compassion in the face of their petty grievances. With no hesitation. Niceness comes from fear, and often leads to major problems (sometimes even death, as can be extrapolated from my sister’s story above). Both of these people actually become stronger through every action that they perform on their own behalves. Before the rise of positive psychology, research centered on abnormal behavior. A kind person puts out a kind of magnetic attractor-field of love; everyone drifts toward him because they know that he has good intentions and wants everyone to be happy, without asking for anything in return. If you choose a strong mate, your babies are likely to have many more babies in the future. Especially if you’re a heterosexual male…. This is how the King maintains his own power. The nice person is weak.The kind person is selfless. The kind person wants everyone to enjoy their subjective experiences of life. In that sense, I will not die until all of my bloodline runs out. You can’t just stand idly by; there’s no way. Through your development of empathy, you will find that the evil ones are the ones who are most in need of your help. causes attraction. His internal concept of “lost little girl” takes precedence over the actual human being herself. The phrase originated as the expression "kill with kindness as fond apes do their young," referring to the notion that such animals sometimes crushed their offspring by hugging them too hard. Some people fluctuate between “good” and “bad,” “kind” and “nice.” The fundamental thing to understand is that people are not equal to their behavior patterns. People often use this method of conflict resolution when they feel frustrated by other attempts to resolve an issue, feel powerless in a situation, ⦠Do not shun them; help them! We are all part of the same compost heap. I had come through a rough period in my life where I had been a “nice guy” and had had a lot of trouble attracting the types of girls I was interested in.
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